Jessie's Eden

Friday, November 18, 2011 @5:14 PM

A girl smiled with the results slip in her hand, expectedly, she aced in all her subjects. She felt a lil bitter over her A2 for Biology but she took pride in her all her achievements. Simply because she knew she put in enough effort and that she deserved it.

Yesterday, she realized there were more in life, that girl no longer scored in everything. She would heave the biggest sigh of relief at a mere borderline pass. Because she knew she didn't put in enough effort and no longer felt deserving of any achievements.

Today, she wants to fare better. She misses the glorious moments when she took pride of her effort. But then again, it has been too long since she last strived. She no longer could cope with the stress. Kiasu is no longer a motivating friend. The time cooped up in the wards and home creep at such a slow pace that one day feels like a century. Things were obviously getting tougher. The determination fades once it penetrates the boundaries. It's like filling an uncapped bottle and if it isn't emptied from time to time, it overflows. There just isn't any space to accommodate anything else. Everything else added goes to waste.

I cry for what life has changed her into.

I feel remorse for making the wrong decisions for her.

I feel sorry she has been clenching for too long.

I tear for what I have done to that girl.

Crisis #28: Paradoxically I'm missing my laid back life when I'm stressing out so badly now. Heck, I thought I love being occupied and having something in mind everytime because I'm so efficient like that. I plan everything out ahead mentally everyday/moment so that I won't miss a second only inhaling oxygen and not doing anything else. When I'm in a shower I plan for bedtime, when I'm driving thats when I took time to talk to God, list out my to do list and my weekends hangouts. I whatsapp deliberately to stay in touch with the loved ones with another hand doing something else. When I'm walking everyday (yes, the distance I torture my legs with daily is supermassive, at least for me it is) I say prayers or call my friends for short catch ups just because I don't want to miss out on any important updates and I don't have daily prayer meetings with the housemates anymore. I make my mind work non stop so that time is fully utilized and occupied to the brim. I plan. and multitask. and make sure every single second don't go to waste. and make haste. and hurry myself. and be proud of being efficient....

But I'm exhausted. I think this is kind of a wrong way to live.

Here I am now, after some time hovering over the keyboard not knowing what I want, finally stretching out my heavy arms typing away because I want every lesson learnt and every crisis to be remembered.

Life is bliss when you're still conscious! Now, I'm willingly emptying half the bottle, there, Space! =) For God and the loved ones and myself. Love and be loved.

Things you need to know about the Author

1. Jessie's her name.
2. Regrets revealing age on her blog add.
3. Superficially fine, some say she's aneroxic but she knows where her lumps are.
4. Skeptical young lady curious about life. and the Bermuda Triangle wtf
5. Born with a weird sense of humour, laughs at things others don't find funny.
6. Can't stay in on a Friday night.
7. Not your ordinary teenage girl/blogger.
8. Ain't no fashionista but finds shopping urm, adrenaline-rushing?
9. Secretly wishes for bigger boobs and world peace wtf.
10. May be suffering from crap toxicity, stay away if you're allergic.
11. Gossips are so-so, the juicier the better wtf.
12. Big emo kid, handle with appropriate care.
13. Constant PMSes.
14. One minute she's hyper, the next she sulks.
15. Can be really spiteful at times.
16. Loves: Sales, MCs, vacations, sleeping in, bolster, the folks & God.
17. Dreads: Sweat, Constipation, Slow laptops/phones, Having no clue what is she doing in a Med School, Lonely weekends, Out of cash.

Now you find out the rest. =)

Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:34

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